IN LITTLE WAYS

Spouse or roommate?

I called a friend the other day. His wife didn’t know if he was home. She never seems to know — or care — where he is or what he’s doing. They’re not really married; they’re just roommates.

Many old married couples share a house but not a life. They eat together, but they don’t talk. They sleep in the same bed, but they seldom make love. They have no common interests, and they spend much of their time apart. They don’t quarrel, because they’re indifferent to each other. They’re not friends, lovers, or supporters. The only thing they seem to feel for one another is a vague annoyance.

Many factors can cripple a marriage. Some couples get so caught up in their jobs, their kids or even church that they neglect each other. Perhaps there was a betrayal, such as infidelity, substance abuse or reckless spending. Supposedly, it’s been forgiven, but it’s never been forgotten. Now there’s no trust and little communication. Pressures like unemployment, chronic illness or a troubled child can pull a couple apart instead of together.

I see parallels between these dead marriages and our relationship with God. We older folks have been to Mass thousands of times. We’ve said millions of prayers. It’s hard to stay interested and involved for decades. It’s also likely that God has disappointed us. We’ve prayed long and hard for something important, and God didn’t come through. The friend died, we didn’t get the job, we did get divorced. We haven’t rejected God, but we don’t really trust him anymore. We’re rooming with God, but we’re not married to him.

Happily, marriages can be reborn. First, the experts say, we must learn to respect and appreciate each another. We need to focus on our spouse’s good points, not his or her imperfections. We need to forgive, ask forgiveness, and let the past be past. We need to spend time together and really pay attention to one another. We need to share our fears and our hopes. We need to become partners again.

The same, of course, applies to our relationship with God. We need to pause each day and each week and recall all the times God has helped us. When we read about Jesus forgiving sinners, we can consider how much we need forgiveness. We can watch Israel stumble across the desert and realize that we all walk more by faith than by sight. Each time we say the Creed, we can recommit ourselves to its truth.

Our spiritual marriage requires that we regularly tell God what we really feel, not what sounds good. We need to keep talking to him no matter what, even if it’s just to tell him that we’re mad, ashamed, scared, or bored.

We need to spend time with God. We might carefully read a passage of Scripture and ask God to speak to us through his Word. A walk in a peaceful setting or just sitting quietly allows the Holy Spirit to enter our hearts. Saying one or two familiar prayers slowly, a word or a phrase at a time, can make the old fresh and meaningful again.

We need to forgive God for not answering all our prayers as we would like. We will encounter injustice, cruelty and sickness. We’ll see our loved ones suffer, and we won’t understand why. We have to trust that God knows and cares and that he has a plan for us. If we follow his command to love, we will experience the comfort, strength and joy he has promised us. We can find greater intimacy with God than the world’s greatest lovers have known, and we can begin today.