Mason and Teo help Donna and James get beyond the fantasy world of marriage as they prepare for their wedding

The Hawaii Catholic Herald first featured Donna Lyn Rabe and James Baguio in the May 29 issue as they began their marriage preparation process in the Catholic Church with Engaged Encounter.

By Anna Weaver | Hawaii Catholic Herald

On a Tuesday night in June, three months before their wedding Donna Lyn Rabe and James Baguio sat down to a meal of sushi, chicken and cheesecake with Mason and Teo Matsuda at the Matsuda’s Ewa Beach home. With lots of laughs and talking story, the two couples discussed the topic of the evening: matrimony.

This was the fourth of five “sponsor couple” marriage preparation sessions for Donna and James as they approached their wedding day at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Parish, Ewa Beach.

These meetings are where, as Teo Matsuda puts it, “we bring in the reality of what it’s like to be married instead of the fantasy world of marriage.”

Her husband of 17 years, Mason, adds, “We share life stories with them.”

In a way, the couple sessions are like Engaged Encounter on a more intimate level.

While not all Hawaii parishes have sponsor couples who lead premarital sessions, the Diocese of Honolulu requires that an engaged couple have three to five counseling sessions. These could be with a priest, a deacon or a married couple.

Another diocesan rule is that an engaged couple notify their parish six months before their targeted wedding date. Couples must also submit “Freedom to Marry” and baptismal certificates, take a marriage questionnaire such as FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study), attend an Engaged Encounter weekend, and secure a marriage license.

Donna, 29, and James, 32, were friends of the Matsudas (who write a regular column for the Herald) long before they started marriage preparation sessions with them, going back to when Donna started attending a Basic Christian Community Bible study at their house.

Teo remembers James coming to her several years ago when he and Donna were going through rocky times. She started crying in front of him because, as she recalls, “They had this genuine love for each other, but it was just clouded by the self.”

The two did break up. While separated, they each got much more active in the church and the sacraments and, in the eyes of the Matsudas, they left behind the self-centeredness that had driven them apart. Donna and James got back together in June 2008. Mason joked that Teo was even happier than the couple that things worked out.

“You guys have really grown,” she said.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help’s marriage sessions follow the book, “For Better and Forever” by Father Rob Ruhnke, which discusses areas like Christian marriage’s essential elements and marital spirituality and more specific topics like problem solving, finances, household duties, parenting and sexuality.

The Matsudas emphasize that if couples can’t communicate now on small things like wedding preparation details, the bigger issues that will come at them in life will be that much more difficult.

Donna and James needed advice in dealing with their parents and more recently about finances, an area they hadn’t spoken about much before.

“Teo and Mason keep it real with us too,” James said. “There will be problems. Marriage is real.”

“We know that the problems they’ve had are God’s way of strengthening them to communicate better with themselves,” Teo said.

Donna and James both nod their heads in agreement. “We told you guys before, if God wasn’t in our lives, we wouldn’t be together today. Guaranteed!”

Not all engaged couples make it to their wedding date. The Matsudas have seen this firsthand. The counseling sessions dredge up tough topics, some of which fiancés aren’t able to get past. They’ve seen couples at meetings start bitter arguments or burst into tears. Often struggling pairs will decide themselves they aren’t ready for marriage.

“We’ve had to write some sad reports in the past for couples that didn’t make it,” Teo said.

“It’s better to find out what problems you have now rather than later, and have it lead to divorce,” Mason added.

The Matsudas believe that marriage extends far beyond two people. “When a couple has the overflow of graces because of their marriage sacrament, the overflow is on all of us,” Teo said. “So the church wants to make sure that they know what they’re getting into.”

So what’s the secret to a successful marriage? The Matsudas could break it down to having two central things in a marriage: communication and Christ. And they see both in Donna and James marriage.

“One of the things about being married is the whole dying to yourself and sacrificing for the other person,” Teo said to Donna and James at their session. “It’s nice to see you actually do that now.”