Engaged, encountered, enlightened

A Catholic couple finds the path to marriage is a three-lane street, with God taking the center

This is the first in a series of stories following a Catholic couple as they go through the marriage preparation process in the Diocese of Honolulu.

By Anna Weaver | Hawaii Catholic Herald

Twenty-three couples stand around the edges of the auditorium floor at St. Stephen Diocesan Center on the second day of an Engaged Encounter Weekend in late April. There’s nervous laughter as they move from one part of the room to the other as they decide if they’re on the “Agree” or “Disagree” side of statements being made by a retreat leader during a mid-afternoon icebreaker.

“I won’t mind if my spouse gains weight,” the leader calls out, which elicits chuckles as the pairs glance around before shuffling about. “How about, ‘The husband will pay the bills.’?”

Hanging from the wall above the auditorium stage are felt and cloth banners extolling wisdom in catchy phrases, such as, “A wedding is for a day. A marriage is for a lifetime,” “Not 50-50 but 100-100,” and “It takes 3: God, husband, wife.”

Among the retreatants are James Baguio and Donna Lyn Rabe of Our Lady of Perpetual Help Parish in Ewa Beach. The active Hawaii Catholics are getting married this fall, and Engaged Encounter is part of the preparation process.

According to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops’ National Pastoral Initiative on Marriage, nearly every American diocese requires some sort of marriage preparation. In Hawaii that includes: meeting with a parish priest, deacon or minister at least six months prior to a wedding; three to five couple sessions; taking a “premarital inventory,” or marriage questionnaire such as FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study); and attending an Engaged Encounter weekend. All are designed to help the couple evaluate their readiness for marriage.

Meet Donna and James

James, 32, is a well-built Filipino with a cueball do who initially comes across as more reserved than his Filipina fiancée. Donna, 29, has a mischievous laugh, a ready smile and talkative manner. There’s a playfulness and obvious affection as they talk about how they came to be a couple.

James, a cradle Catholic, received his sacraments of Baptism, First Communion and Confirmation at the typical ages. He attended Our Lady of Perpetual Help Grade School and Damien Memorial High School. James went on to Leeward and Kapiolani Community Colleges before getting his food science and human nutrition administration degree from the University of Hawaii. He now works as a dietary clerk at Kuakini Medical Center.

Donna was baptized a Catholic as an infant but wasn’t a regular churchgoer growing up. She went to public schools and then Hawaii Pacific University. She has her master’s in secondary education and is an English teacher at Waipahu Intermediate School.

It wasn’t until Donna was 19 and coming out of a long-term relationship that she thought, “I really want to be more Catholic.” She received her First Communion and Confirmation at St. Joseph Parish in 1999.

After starting a Bible study at Teo and Mason Matsuda’s home (the Matsudas write the “Ask Mason & Teo” column for the Hawaii Catholic Herald) in Ewa Beach, Donna decided to switch to Our Lady of Perpetual Help Parish. That’s where she and James met in 2003 while both were helping with a Life Teen retreat.

Donna giggles as she remembers her first impression of James, who plays the drums and is a member of the parish’s music ministry.

“I like drummers,” she says with a sly smile. She also thought James was funny when they struck up a conversation about “Chappelle’s Show” and he reenacted some of Dave Chappelle’s sketches.

“I guess I made her laugh,” James says. He recalls listening to Donna during a pre-retreat liturgy planning discussion and being impressed with her knowledge of the Catholic faith. “She’d be a good lawyer.”

The two saw each other at church events, but James had no idea that Donna had developed an interest in him until she had a mutual friend pass along her number in 2005.

“She was chasing me,” he chuckles, to which Donna jabs back with a smile, “I hate you.” They debate whether attending a penance service together could count as their first “date.” But they liked each other enough to officially become boyfriend and girlfriend a few months later.

Things didn’t go smoothly however. James had never been in a serious relationship before, and Donna still had baggage from her last boyfriend. They fought a lot, and on top of it all, James’ parents didn’t approve of Donna.

“My mom is the type that wanted to arrange me meeting someone,” James says. “My mom claims it’s her being an old school Filipino Catholic.” He however believes in choosing whom he wants to date.

Because of the fighting and other issues, the two decided to break up in June 2006. For awhile, Donna started attending St. Elizabeth in Aiea, and when she and James would see each other at church it was awkward. James focused on playing in a band he was a member of at the time.

Donna had a renewed dedication to her faith and started participating in Eucharistic adoration, going to Mass on Wednesdays and becoming a regular at her Basic Christian Community Bible study.

“I had to work things out within myself and strengthen my relationship with God before I could have another relationship,” she says. “I didn’t know who it was at that point. I didn’t really think I was going to get back together with James.”

However James kept thinking about Donna and says he missed “her hugs and her smile.” This time it was James who told mutual friends about missing her. Word got back to Donna, and by June 2008 they were back together.

This time things are different with God now at the center of their relationship. Where before there was lust in their relationship, now there was affection and love. And when they first dated, Donna says, “We were serving at church, but I think we were just doing it for appearances and not doing it for devotion.”

Now they attend adoration together and go to Our Lady of Perpetual Help’s Saturday night Mass in addition to serving at the Life Teen Mass on Sunday. They also participate in the parish’s garden ministry, help with BCC retreat planning, and make it a habit to regularly attend confession together. James has also taken a liking to the Divine Mercy chaplet.

“Ever since I went back to her, I think I’ve grown more in my faith. And because I’ve grown, it’s made me love her more,” he says.

Wedding bells

Dating again, they soon fell back in love. James admires how Donna isn’t materialistic and how “she puts God first in her life.” Donna loves that James is “a really humble guy.”

“When I see James drum, he’s not doing it because he likes the sound of his own drumming,” she says. “He drums because he wants to be a part of that band or group. He truly loves to serve in that way.”

After a few months back together, talk of marriage quickly arose. “The breakup helped to change the way we were so that we would be ready to make that decision to get married,” Donna says.

It seemed that God offered signs affirming their decision. A relative of James offered the couple the use of his studio apartment in Kalihi for their first home. And while James’ parents are still opposed to their son marrying someone not of their selection, he and Donna say it encouraged them to choose marriage for themselves.

“Although something like this would break up a couple, it’s really made us stronger,” Donna says. “We had to let our parents know that marriage is what we wanted together.”

There has been no formal proposal. Instead the two signed up in March for Engaged Encounter and later started ring shopping.

The Engaged Encounter weekend was an intense but enriching three days. The retreat’s theme is “Write. Exchange. Discuss.” Following that format, presenters who are married couples give about 20 talks on different topics. The participants then reflect on what they heard and put their thoughts in writing. The engaged couples then review with each other what they wrote.

Engaged Encounter leaders Deacon Ron and Eunice Paglinawan say that they’ve seen couples decide by the end of the weekend that they’re not ready to get married after all.

Deacon Paglinawan says, “If you decide to make this lifetime commitment, everyone better be ready.” His wife adds, “God has to be part of the marriage to insure a lifelong relationship, to get through the bad times and the good times.”

They both say that many couples also come away with an even deeper commitment to each other. That’s the case with James and Donna.

“It gave us some time to really sit down and talk,” James says. “It made us feel a sense of peace and there were no distractions to get in the way of us.”

He’s recommended the retreat to his non-Catholic coworkers because of the opportunity the weekend offers for dedicated couple time. The Paglinawans say that there are often non-Catholic couples on Engaged Encounter for that reason.

While many of the weekend’s topics were things both had already discussed, Donna says the Engaged Encounter “reaffirmed our goals for our married life together.”

One thing they didn’t know much about was natural family planning, a church-approved form of “fertility regulation.” Donna says that after hearing a speaker give an overview of the method, she’s considering taking a class.

For her a highlight of the weekend was when she and James wrote betrothal letters to each other asking for God’s blessing on their marriage and saying what they intend to do to keep God at the center of their relationship. They then read them aloud before the Paglinawans as a public declaration of their commitment.

Looking ahead

After the retreat, they picked out an engagement ring at Ben Bridge. Donna teased James that it was not as “bling bling” of a sparkler as he might have expected her to pick out.

They had originally planned to get married in August at Our Lady of Perpetual Help’s Saturday 5 p.m. Mass. But a change in the reception venue and time constraints recently led them to delay the wedding until the fall and decide to have a separate wedding Mass.

The important thing for both is to keep the sacramental aspect of a marriage in focus rather than getting wrapped up in wedding planning details. They plan to keep things simple.

“You have to put more of your energy, time and resources towards preparing for the sacrament,” Donna says, rather than toward the more secular aspects of a wedding.

Both are looking beyond the wedding day to their life together.

“I feel like God sent me to James so that he would love his life,” Donna says. “It’s beautiful to share a life with somebody within the sacrament of marriage.”

“What did I say to you yesterday?” Donna says to James.

“Marriage is to help each other get to heaven,” he responds.