Aloha Matsudas, After graduating from high school, I went to school and worked on the Mainland. I’m a single guy in my late 20s and I recently moved back home to live with my parents in Hawaii. My younger sister is married with two kids and they also live at home with my parents. My father treats my brother-in-law as though he can do no wrong, while he seems to pick on me for every little thing. I want to move out but I can’t make it on my own financially. I get along with my mom but I can’t stand living with my dad. How should I treat the situation? (Grown-up)

Dear Grown-up,

Ah, the joys of growing up! It is recognizing that no matter what happens, your family will always be your family! To be human is, by definition, to be interdependent, to rely on others for the support and assistance needed to grow to full life. Family members depend upon one another and have an enormous impact on one another’s growth.

Dealing with young adults for many years, we have learned that change and transition seem to be the only constants in a young adult life. Change is always difficult and disruptive, so we resist it even when we know it’s unavoidable. But like it or not, we must face change, embrace it, and find a new family balance.

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, “as long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.” (CCC 2217)

The fourth commandment, “honor your father and mother,” reminds adult children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as we can, we must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of distress, loneliness or illness. Scripture puts it so eloquently: “My son, take care of your father when he is old; grieve him not as long as he lives. Even if his mind fails, be considerate with him; revile him not in the fullness of your strength. A blasphemer is he who despises his father; accursed of his Creator, he who angers his mother.” (Sirach 3:12-13, 16)

Out of gratitude, we should respect our parents, no matter what, because they have given us the gift of life. Scripture reiterates, “With your whole heart honor your father, your mother’s birthpangs forget not. Remember, of these parents you were born; what can you give them for all they gave you?” (Sirach 7:27-28)

Apparently, it is God’s will that gave you your dad. In practicing obedience to your earthly father, we learn to be obedient to our heavenly Father. It also fosters harmony in family life including relationships between siblings and with others in society.

When a young adult returns to live with his or her parents, as in all family dynamics, it can run the gamut from being extremely stressful and damaging to being rewarding and fulfilling. The parents take on a new role, no longer treating their son or daughter as a child but as an adult sharing their home. When a parent/child relationship can evolve into an adult/adult relationship, something very fine and rewarding is accomplished.

Begin by talking to your dad about your concerns. When conflict arises, adult-to-adult expectations need to be spelled out. Both sides need to have a clear understanding of what the other requires. Always keep the lines of communication open. Only open and honest communication will assure a relationship full of love, respect, freedom and responsibility.

Follow the example of Jesus Christ when he walked the face of the earth, He always honored his heavenly Father, his earthly father Joseph, and his mother, the Blessed Ever Virgin Mary, by being obedient and surrendering his will. The designs of God — what he chooses to do, his will, his actions and his grace — are all one and the same thing, all working together to help us achieve holiness.

Holiness is produced in us by the will of God and our acceptance of it. We do not need to understand the designs of God, but only obey them. Offer up these trials to the Lord. Pray for your family and look closely at the cross of Christ that you may appreciate the salvific sufferings of your own daily cross.