Hi Mason & Teo,

Recently, my friend and her boyfriend decided to enroll in RCIA. Praise God, since they are not active, nor attend Mass. However, in an interview with the director of religious education, questions came up: “Are you married?” “Are you living together?” They are not married but living together and they have a child.

They were told by the DRE that they needed to get married first in order to receive the sacraments of Eucharist and Confirmation. I understand where the DRE is coming from since they are “living in sin.” I would like them to get married in the church and so that they will set an example to their child.

My friend thought she needed to receive Holy Communion and Confirmation first before getting married in the church. She does not know what to do. I don’t want them to feel discouraged or shunned by the church. I would like them to be able to attend RCIA. What can I do or advise them. Your help is appreciated. (Concerned Friend)

Dear Concerned,

You have great compassion for your friend’s spiritual life. Please encourage her to continue with RCIA. The class will help in her discernment of God’s will.

The fact that your friend is living with her boyfriend is of grave concern. “Living together” is an agreement that either person has a right to leave the relationship at any time — a lack of commitment. Consider asking your friend, “Why are you living together? Have you noticed that your decision to live together has caused family or others to be uncomfortable? Have you considered the emotional impact of your living together upon your child? How is your living together affecting your child’s thinking about the meaning of sexual intimacy?”

Have your friend speak honestly with her boyfriend about the kind of commitment that is the foundation of their relationship. They may have different ideas about what it means to be committed to one another. The church has always valued the total commitment of Christian marriage. Unfortunately there is no in-between, either one is fully committed or one is not committed to the relationship. Like a light switch, it is either “on” or “off.”

No amount of living together will ever “prove” one’s ability to be committed to another person. Commitment closes all other doors and freely chooses to stay with another person in a way that models God’s commitment to us, forever, through good times and hard times.

After extensive dialogue, they may conclude that their experience of living together verifies that they are already fully committed to one another for the rest of their lives. If that is the case, then by all means, have them prepare for the Sacrament of Matrimony and soon after, or simultaneously, complete the rest of their Sacraments of Initiation.

Additional dialogue and reflection may help them realize that their decision to live together may be causing family discomfort and creating problems for their child. Sexual intercourse outside of marriage is not a part of God’s plan for us. That is why the church is so uncomfortable with couples engaging in sexual intercourse and/or living together before marriage.

Your friend may choose to live apart and abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage. Ultimately, only the two of them and God can know the degree of sin that may have been present in their actions. The church is available to help them reconcile with God or with one another.

“For I know well the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope” (Jer.29:11).

It is God’s will that every need be supplied. God loves all his children and he “proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners, Christ died for us.” (Rom 5:8).

By the grace of God we receive the free gifts of faith, hope and love that are instrumental in leading us toward salvation through Jesus Christ. Boldly proclaim the good news, pray for them and continue to guide them to the truth and everlasting life.